I found some adorable photos of me as a child: dressed up as Jiminy Cricket and Shirley Temple ‘On the Good Ship Lollypop’ dancing at a concert when I was 5 (Mum made my amazing costumes!); rollerskating aged 8; and with my primary school medals aged 12. I was a born dancer and still am at heart, music is in me. I love these images, and it was delightFULL to draw them!
I had an absolutely blissFULL childhood. I had secure attachment as a child and unconditional love from my parents and brother from day one. I was the light of their worlds and they gave me 100% attention. I smiled at everyone and often laughed, genuinely.
I was well as a child until I was ten years old, when I experienced the trauma of developing severe fibromyalgia and ME/CFS. Trauma did not cause my illness: my illness was my first trauma. When I became ill, my family and my teachers believed me, but for four years doctors blamed ‘growing pains’ (so in the picture with all the medals, I was already struggling). I thought everyone was in pain, and it must be naughty to complain, so I tried hard not to. I hid my pain, and now, as an adult, I don’t know how to show it.
My blissful childhood set me up for life. I felt loved, safe, bubbly and effervescent, and as an adult – even with, and despite, my constant pain – I can go back to that and feel genuine safety, because it is within me. I don’t take painkillers (as they don’t work) and I can ‘rise above, channel love’ and cope with extraordinary levels of constant, often excruciating, ongoing pain. I read scientific research about patients in hospital burns units; the ones with secure attachment in childhood don’t need as much morphine. This is me!
My exuberance is my essence. I love looking back and seeing how far I’ve come, through all the pain of the past 36 years of illness. I love nurturing my soul so that my inner child can love life and I can feel loved in middle age. I love my inner child so, so very much. I love being me!